Taking it one day at a time

It's been a while since I posted and that is because I started school again last week. I'm taking 3 classes right now and working full time, so life is a bit hectic. The plus side (ha I just wrote plus size and had to correct myself, guess you can tell what's on my mind) the plus side is I have spoken with my doctor about getting off the med I'm currently on. So, I'm weening off one and onto another that will hopefully not have weight gain as a side effect. Fingers crossed!

I have made it to crossfit twice last week and today. This is a milestone for me since my sleep patterns are a problem and often times my meds make me too groggy to wake up at 5 am, but I've managed to get up and go! While my foot is still bothering me (I start PT in 2 weeks) I am modifying wods to focus on upper body movements, substituting rowing for running, and generally not pushing myself if my foot hurts.

Getting back into it has been amazing and I love the community of supportive coaches and athletes at Crosssfit Oakland. I couldn't ask for a better box.

With crossfit has come more attention to healthy eating and I'm working on getting back into eating more and more paleo. Dinner tonight is wild salmon, zucchini fritters and baby potatoes for the hubby.

Overall I'm feeling positive!

Crazy with a side of chicken

So, it wasn't the gluten it was apparently a stomach bug, but the good thing is my brain now associates pizza with feeling crappy. It's kinda like when I was a kid and drank a ton of orange soda at a Super Bowl party and ended up with the flu later that night. I could never drink orange soda again. So, huzzah!

Anyway, I spent last week catching up from being sick and I started school again Saturday. Hence the crazy. I have a new mantra though - find creativity and joy in everyday. Today's joy and creativity came in trying to make the food lover's general tao's chicken. I discovered that arrowroot powder and flour are likely not the same thing. My batter turned into a weird hard, yet wet looking mass that could easily have been used as a paperweight or perhaps clay for kids' art projects. So, I dumped the batter and started over using coconut flour and from here I pretty much changed a bunch of the recipe. I ultimately ended up with very tasty orange chicken. I am now working on perfecting he recipe. Woot for kitchen fails turning into new recipe development.

Gluten Will Kill Me

Ugh. I need to remember that when I feel like crap eating crap will not make me feel better. I've been suffering from the sickies lately - stuffy head, headache, sniffles, general icky cold stuff - and yesterday instead of just eating some bone broth or soup I bought a frozen pizza. Can you believe it? I did. Total faileo. I'm 99% certain that the gluten bomb is responsible for the following:

• I tossed and turned all night
• I was hot and then cold 
• When I would roll over to my stomach it felt like someone punched me in the gut
• I woke up with an acne breakout on my face
• I had digestive issues all day today

I would like to think that I have learned my lesson, but I'm human. I know I'll make the same mistake again sometime, but I'm hoping not for a very, very long time.

Explaining Gluten Free and an Update to My Granola

So, today I was asked by my lovely employee at work for help on moving towards a gluten-free lifestyle.

I was super excited and it reminded me of some of the funny gifs over at  What Should We Call Paleo Life. If you have not checked out this website. Go. NOW. I will wait.

OK now that you have laughed from all those amazing paleo gifs back to the story. Helping someone move towards gluten-free....

She has terrible sinus issues and a relative mentioned to her that going gluten-free might help. Huzzah!! Yes, yes it will. I will be bringing in Diane Sanfilippo's book Practical Paleo for her to get a jump start.

Here were my two sentences of advice:

1) Don't eat anything that comes in a package, but if you have to...
2) READ the labels

I also let her know that eating gluten-free doesn't have to be super expensive, but that it often is more time consuming because you are forced to cook real food rather than buying pre-packaged food.

I also sent her to the Food Lover's website because they have amazing recipes for someone who is just getting into the whole eating gluten-free life.

I am really excited to see how this goes for her.

Oh - and a minor tweak to my Granola post from the other day. I mixed honey and maple syrup together and baked it for 20 minutes total checking it and turning it every 5 minutes. It came out with a much crunchier texture. Yum!!

Saturday Morning Reflections

I am frustrated. Yup. This weight gain has been unbearable. I wore a dress yesterday and did not wear shorts underneath. I officially experienced severe chub rub. For all you skinny people out here that is when your thighs rub together and chafe. It is not fun. It is painful and eventually results in one walking like a bull rider.

I am conflicted. I know that this weight gain was not my fault. It was an unfortunate side effect of medication that I need in order to be healthy. Yet, it made me unhealthy. There is little I can do to take the pounds off because they were not gained by over eating. They were gained due to a chemically induced change to my metabolism. So, what do I do? I can't go off my meds because the results of an unmedicated, bipolar Melissa are not good for those around me and I'd really like to stay married! It has been suggested that I look into a drug called qsymia,which alters one's metabolism.

So here I am taking one drug and another and another. I feel like a walking pharmacy, but worse I feel hopeless and uncomfortable in my own skin. I am embarrassed by the way I look and unsure of what to do next, but something has to give.

Jeff Buckley and Coffee Ice Cream

Came home to hubby hanging out watching a Jeff Buckley DVD and eating store bought coconut milk ice cream. You think I'd be devastated. Nope. I was all like whatevs I've got an ice cream maker, a can of coconut cream, and instant coffee bitches.

Is there anything better than cuddling on the couch with your love, eating coffee ice cream and listening to Jeff Buckley sing a love song? I can't give you a love to cuddle with or bring back Jeff Buckley, but I can give you ice cream.

No cook - Coconut milk coffee ice cream

1 can of coconut milk or cream
1 tsp of vanilla
1/4 of maple syrup (or less depending on your sweet tooth level)
2 T of instant coffee (I used a via packet from Starbucks)

Whisk it all together and throw in your ice cream maker. 20 minutes and viola!

Paleo Friends and Granola

I'm so happy to say that I've got an awesome paleo support group. An amazing group of women who stay connected via our own private Facebook group (so we don't annoy the world with our paleo food posts). These women help pick me up when I'm feeling blue. They don't judge me when I completely fall off the paleo wagon and they all realize that we each have our own path to follow in the world of paleo. What works for one of us might not work for another and that's OK.

As many have said it before, paleo is not a one size fits all solution. You have to know your body and begin trusting in yourself to make choices that work for you. I love that I have this group of women to support me and help me discover what works for me.

I was lucky enough to get to enjoy a lovely picnic lunch with one of them yesterday. How fun. A picnic on a work day? Yup. There's a great little park not far from my work. We both packed salads and met for a lovely chat and hang out in the park. Should have remembered the sun screen though, since we both got sunburned, but it was worth it to get to enjoy lunch with someone who doesn't ask me why I'm not eating the bun with my burger. It amazes me that I've made friends based on a lifestyle I choose to live, but it's awesome to hang out with people who get it - plus they are all hilarious women who kick serious ass.

Anyway, after enjoying lunch in the park yesterday with my self designated hippy paleo friend. I felt the need to make granola. Our conversations reminded me of my own hippy days where I lived off of granola and hummus, but now I don't eat either of those - behold my paleo granola recipe.

Paleo Granola

1/2 C chopped almonds
1/4 C chopped hazel nuts
1/4 C chopped cashews
1/4 C chopped walnuts
1/4 C shredded coconut
1/4 C  coconut flakes
2 T coconut oil
1/4 C honey
Cinnamon to taste

These are rough estimates since I didn't use measuring cups. I threw a bunch of nuts in my immersion blender/nut chopper if you don't have this tool get it.  Threw them in a bowl with the honey and coconut oil. Microwaved for 30 seconds to melt the coconut oil and soften the honey. Then I mixed it together and spread it out on a cookie sheet and baked at 375 for 10 minutes or so.

I can't stress this enough. Watch this when it is in the oven. It is super easy to burn. After about 5 minutes check it and flip everything over. Then check it again every so often before the 10 minutes is up.

It should be golden brown when  you take it out of the oven.

Let it cool and voila!!

Crossfit and the Meaning of Schadenfreude

Yes, this is a crossfit post, but it's not just a crossfit post. Do you enjoy schadenfreude? You know you do and if you don't know what shadenfreude is - here is a fun song for you:

Anyway, today was snatch day. Yes, I said snatch and no, I'm not talking about girly parts, get your mind out of the gutter people. I'm talking about this:

But this is pretty much what happened, except I was just lifting a 33 lb bar.

You can laugh. It's OK. My knee is a little beat up, but other than that I'm fine. What's funny is right before this epic fail I had just completed a perfect snatch. Gotta love crossfit. You are always, always, learning.

Learning to accept compliments and an awesome chicken recipe...

So, I've been feeling blue about the weight and if I haven't mentioned it I have plantar fasciitis, so I am stuck wearing running shoes daily. I feel like a total dork. I am not a running shoes kinda girl. I am not a wear the same shoes two days in a row girl. I am a girl with an overflowing closet of shoes. I am a change your shoes in the middle of the day girl. I am a 5 inch heels girl. So, I feel like I am perpetually getting ready to go to the gym.

Anyway, today I am standing in line to get my iced Americano and a total stranger walks up to me and says, "I don't want to be creepy or disrespectful, but I had to tell you that you look amazing." He then walked away. No conversation. No can I get your number. No do you have a boyfriend. Compliment and run. That's what it was, but... it made my day. It wasn't creepy and actually made me stop and put my self-loathing aside for a minute. A stranger thinks I look good and I'm wearing leggings, a sweatshirt and running shoes. Well, OK then.

I simply replied, "Thank you."

Oh yeah and that awesome chicken recipe.

Spinach and sundried tomato stuffed chicken breasts

2 chicken breasts
2 handfuls fresh baby spinach leaves
1/4 cup julienned sundried tomatoes packed in evoo
Goat cheese (optional)

Slice open your chicken breast lengthwise
Stuff with the yummy stuff
Fold the chicken over the stuffing and secure with toothpicks
Put in a greased baking dish
Bake at 375 F for 15-20 min or until cooked through

Sunday Morning Sweet Potato Hash

So, I'm working on eating more and more paleo lately. Which, if you read my last post you know why.

Anyway, I love hash for breakfast. One of my favorite restaurants makes a cornbeef hash, which I love, but I realized that my sweet potato hash is tastier and healthier so, I've been making this more often. You want the recipe don't you?

Alright,  here you go:

Sweet Potato Hash

4 small sweet potatoes - diced
1 medium onion - diced
1 red pepper - diced
4 chicken apple sausages - diced (I use Aidell's)
2 T of coconut oil

Toss all this in a frying pan and let it cook on medium until the sweet potatoes are cooked through and slightly browned stirring occasionally to keep from burning.

Cook time: approximately 20 minutes

I serve this with poached eggs. If you don't have an egg poacher pan buy one. Seriously, it will make life easier and I don't mean egg poacher cups I mean this.

It rules and makes awesome, perfectly poached eggs every time.

Coming to terms with weight gain and other fun stuff....

I have a confession to make. I am bi-polar. Notice how I didn't write I suffer from bi-polar disorder. Nope, I'm trying to own this and figure out how to deal with it instead of it being this deep dark secret I hold. Yes, there you have it. I'm bi-polar and well, it's been a rough year to say the least. I went unmedicated for several years and eventually that took its toll. I ended up in a hypomanic state sometime last year. I was in go go go mode and just couldn't stop and then I crashed. HARD. So this year has been spent trying to find the right balance of meds and dealing with the side effects.

The first cocktail of drugs made my hair fall out in giant clumps and I gained weight. We are talking 35 lbs in the first couple of months. So, we nixed one of those meds for another one and well my hair has officially started growing back in though I found a grey hair in there. Not my best moment. But I digress, so the hair is growing back curlier than ever even if one strand is grey, but and this is a big one, I'm still gaining weight.

Now anyone who knows me knows that weight has been something I have struggled with my entire life. I've been up and down on the scale, had moments of intense working out and some not so great moments. When I got engaged I was at my then heaviest weight ever, 225. I worked my buns off (literally) with a personal trainer and nutritionist and lost 35 lbs by wedding time. I was down to 190 almost as low as when I had returned from Peru after hiking the Inca trail in 2007 (I got down to 180 then). I felt awesome at 190. I had cut sugar, grains, and most dairy from my diet and had given up being a vegetarian. I was on my way to eating Paleo and I even started crossfit.

Then I injured myself in December, stupidly falling while crossing the street in heels on the way to my crossfit box's holiday party. That put my out of comission for a while and then I just feared going back. The longer I was gone and the more weight I put on the worse I felt about myself. It was a nasty cycle that has been really hard to break. Not to mention that another side effect of the meds is that it knocks me out. I literally could not get up in the morning to go to crossfit. Getting up just to go to work has been a struggle at times.

So, where am I now? I'm STILL gaining weight. I am now officially the heaviest I've ever been and I feel like I step on the scale and say that everytime I step on it. Today I weighed in at a whopping 240. Two hundred and forty pounds. What the hell has happened to me?

I feel like I'm falling apart, but I managed to get out of bed last week and make it to crossfit twice. I also have been swimming at least 3 times a week. So, I keep hoping that it will make a difference, but I fear that it won't. I'm stuck and feeling helpless. I'm supposed to be taking these meds so I feel better and yet now I look unrecognizable and I feel worse about my body image.

It's a long ass struggle, but I'm trying to feel hopeful. Trying to hang on and put one foot in front of the other even though now I'm dealing with foot issues. Trying to continue eating paleo even though there are days that I totally fail because I'm feeling shitty about myself. I admit I ate 5 cookies in one day, 5! And, no, they were not paleo cookies. I felt like ass afterwards and I felt guilty. I'm giving paleo, crossfit and swimming a month and if I consistently do all three and keep gaining weight something has got to give. I don't want to spiral back into hypomania or depression, but I can't continue to gain weight either. Ugh... this is the life I lead.

I read a quote the other day though that said something along the lines of "we always talk about our failings, our worries, our troubles, our hardships, we need to stop and celebrate the joys."So, I'm trying to find joy in everyday. Today my joy was giggling in an elevator after a wonderful kiss with my husband.

It's the little things.

Grad School, a Paleo Life, and a Frittata

So, I haven't posted in ages. I'm a bad blogger, but I've been in graduate school and working full-time and trying to keep it paleo. I'll admit it. I failed. BIG TIME. I also started taking meds that made me gain 35 lbs. I'll post on that another time. Needless to say life has been crazy and it has taken a toll on my health and my attitude. Thankfully for me I am taking a break this summer from school and I have an amazing paleo support system. This month I am doing a 21 day detox with a few lovely paleo ladies in order to get myself back on track.

I'm only 3 days in, but so far so good. I even managed to make breakfast for the entire week (a yummy frittata) and pack my lunch and snacks today. Go me.

So without further ado the recipe for that yummy frittata:

Heat oven to 375

Ingredients

8 eggs
1/4 cup of sun dried tomatoes (packed in olive oil)
1 bunch of asparagus cut into 1 inch pieces
1/2 an onion, diced
herbs of your choice

1. In a large bowl whisk the eggs
2. Add all other ingredients to the eggs
3. Grease either a cast iron skillet or a pie pan with coconut oil
4. Pour the egg mixture into the pan
5. Bake for 20-30 minutes or until the top is slightly browned and eggs are cooked through.

You can also add cooked bacon or sausage to this or any other veggies you have on hand.