I have a confession to make. I am bi-polar. Notice how I didn't write I suffer from bi-polar disorder. Nope, I'm trying to own this and figure out how to deal with it instead of it being this deep dark secret I hold. Yes, there you have it. I'm bi-polar and well, it's been a rough year to say the least. I went unmedicated for several years and eventually that took its toll. I ended up in a hypomanic state sometime last year. I was in go go go mode and just couldn't stop and then I crashed. HARD. So this year has been spent trying to find the right balance of meds and dealing with the side effects.
The first cocktail of drugs made my hair fall out in giant clumps and I gained weight. We are talking 35 lbs in the first couple of months. So, we nixed one of those meds for another one and well my hair has officially started growing back in though I found a grey hair in there. Not my best moment. But I digress, so the hair is growing back curlier than ever even if one strand is grey, but and this is a big one, I'm still gaining weight.
Now anyone who knows me knows that weight has been something I have struggled with my entire life. I've been up and down on the scale, had moments of intense working out and some not so great moments. When I got engaged I was at my then heaviest weight ever, 225. I worked my buns off (literally) with a personal trainer and nutritionist and lost 35 lbs by wedding time. I was down to 190 almost as low as when I had returned from Peru after hiking the Inca trail in 2007 (I got down to 180 then). I felt awesome at 190. I had cut sugar, grains, and most dairy from my diet and had given up being a vegetarian. I was on my way to eating Paleo and I even started crossfit.
Then I injured myself in December, stupidly falling while crossing the street in heels on the way to my crossfit box's holiday party. That put my out of comission for a while and then I just feared going back. The longer I was gone and the more weight I put on the worse I felt about myself. It was a nasty cycle that has been really hard to break. Not to mention that another side effect of the meds is that it knocks me out. I literally could not get up in the morning to go to crossfit. Getting up just to go to work has been a struggle at times.
So, where am I now? I'm STILL gaining weight. I am now officially the heaviest I've ever been and I feel like I step on the scale and say that everytime I step on it. Today I weighed in at a whopping 240. Two hundred and forty pounds. What the hell has happened to me?
I feel like I'm falling apart, but I managed to get out of bed last week and make it to crossfit twice. I also have been swimming at least 3 times a week. So, I keep hoping that it will make a difference, but I fear that it won't. I'm stuck and feeling helpless. I'm supposed to be taking these meds so I feel better and yet now I look unrecognizable and I feel worse about my body image.
It's a long ass struggle, but I'm trying to feel hopeful. Trying to hang on and put one foot in front of the other even though now I'm dealing with foot issues. Trying to continue eating paleo even though there are days that I totally fail because I'm feeling shitty about myself. I admit I ate 5 cookies in one day, 5! And, no, they were not paleo cookies. I felt like ass afterwards and I felt guilty. I'm giving paleo, crossfit and swimming a month and if I consistently do all three and keep gaining weight something has got to give. I don't want to spiral back into hypomania or depression, but I can't continue to gain weight either. Ugh... this is the life I lead.
I read a quote the other day though that said something along the lines of "we always talk about our failings, our worries, our troubles, our hardships, we need to stop and celebrate the joys."So, I'm trying to find joy in everyday. Today my joy was giggling in an elevator after a wonderful kiss with my husband.
It's the little things.
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