Coming to terms with weight gain and other fun stuff....

I have a confession to make. I am bi-polar. Notice how I didn't write I suffer from bi-polar disorder. Nope, I'm trying to own this and figure out how to deal with it instead of it being this deep dark secret I hold. Yes, there you have it. I'm bi-polar and well, it's been a rough year to say the least. I went unmedicated for several years and eventually that took its toll. I ended up in a hypomanic state sometime last year. I was in go go go mode and just couldn't stop and then I crashed. HARD. So this year has been spent trying to find the right balance of meds and dealing with the side effects.

The first cocktail of drugs made my hair fall out in giant clumps and I gained weight. We are talking 35 lbs in the first couple of months. So, we nixed one of those meds for another one and well my hair has officially started growing back in though I found a grey hair in there. Not my best moment. But I digress, so the hair is growing back curlier than ever even if one strand is grey, but and this is a big one, I'm still gaining weight.

Now anyone who knows me knows that weight has been something I have struggled with my entire life. I've been up and down on the scale, had moments of intense working out and some not so great moments. When I got engaged I was at my then heaviest weight ever, 225. I worked my buns off (literally) with a personal trainer and nutritionist and lost 35 lbs by wedding time. I was down to 190 almost as low as when I had returned from Peru after hiking the Inca trail in 2007 (I got down to 180 then). I felt awesome at 190. I had cut sugar, grains, and most dairy from my diet and had given up being a vegetarian. I was on my way to eating Paleo and I even started crossfit.

Then I injured myself in December, stupidly falling while crossing the street in heels on the way to my crossfit box's holiday party. That put my out of comission for a while and then I just feared going back. The longer I was gone and the more weight I put on the worse I felt about myself. It was a nasty cycle that has been really hard to break. Not to mention that another side effect of the meds is that it knocks me out. I literally could not get up in the morning to go to crossfit. Getting up just to go to work has been a struggle at times.

So, where am I now? I'm STILL gaining weight. I am now officially the heaviest I've ever been and I feel like I step on the scale and say that everytime I step on it. Today I weighed in at a whopping 240. Two hundred and forty pounds. What the hell has happened to me?

I feel like I'm falling apart, but I managed to get out of bed last week and make it to crossfit twice. I also have been swimming at least 3 times a week. So, I keep hoping that it will make a difference, but I fear that it won't. I'm stuck and feeling helpless. I'm supposed to be taking these meds so I feel better and yet now I look unrecognizable and I feel worse about my body image.

It's a long ass struggle, but I'm trying to feel hopeful. Trying to hang on and put one foot in front of the other even though now I'm dealing with foot issues. Trying to continue eating paleo even though there are days that I totally fail because I'm feeling shitty about myself. I admit I ate 5 cookies in one day, 5! And, no, they were not paleo cookies. I felt like ass afterwards and I felt guilty. I'm giving paleo, crossfit and swimming a month and if I consistently do all three and keep gaining weight something has got to give. I don't want to spiral back into hypomania or depression, but I can't continue to gain weight either. Ugh... this is the life I lead.

I read a quote the other day though that said something along the lines of "we always talk about our failings, our worries, our troubles, our hardships, we need to stop and celebrate the joys."So, I'm trying to find joy in everyday. Today my joy was giggling in an elevator after a wonderful kiss with my husband.

It's the little things.

Grad School, a Paleo Life, and a Frittata

So, I haven't posted in ages. I'm a bad blogger, but I've been in graduate school and working full-time and trying to keep it paleo. I'll admit it. I failed. BIG TIME. I also started taking meds that made me gain 35 lbs. I'll post on that another time. Needless to say life has been crazy and it has taken a toll on my health and my attitude. Thankfully for me I am taking a break this summer from school and I have an amazing paleo support system. This month I am doing a 21 day detox with a few lovely paleo ladies in order to get myself back on track.

I'm only 3 days in, but so far so good. I even managed to make breakfast for the entire week (a yummy frittata) and pack my lunch and snacks today. Go me.

So without further ado the recipe for that yummy frittata:

Heat oven to 375

Ingredients

8 eggs
1/4 cup of sun dried tomatoes (packed in olive oil)
1 bunch of asparagus cut into 1 inch pieces
1/2 an onion, diced
herbs of your choice

1. In a large bowl whisk the eggs
2. Add all other ingredients to the eggs
3. Grease either a cast iron skillet or a pie pan with coconut oil
4. Pour the egg mixture into the pan
5. Bake for 20-30 minutes or until the top is slightly browned and eggs are cooked through.

You can also add cooked bacon or sausage to this or any other veggies you have on hand.

Let's Get Paleoized

So, I changed the name of the blog today, but seeing as I don't have any followers I'm guessing it won't be a big deal. I was standing in the kitchen debating whether or not my paleoized banana bread actually turned out or not and suddenly it hit me. Paleoized! This is what I try to do to all of my favorite non-paleo recipes so why not call the blog what it really is? Hence, the name change.

My ultimate goal is to paleoize all of my past favorites. Sometimes I succeed (chocolate mint cookies anyone) sometimes I fail (banana goo anyone). The fun is really in trying and learning a lot about food chemistry as I go along.

I'm aiming to try to post more frequently to the blog as I've really been trying to get my life back on track with cooking more and more paleo meals and now that it is summer hubby has been helping with dinners (thank goodness for a grill!!). I will also attempt to take pictures of my food from now on. This blog needs a little life.

Crockpot - Pot Roast

The weather in SF has been pretty rainly lately, in fact down right stormy. Which makes me crave comfort food. This is right up there on the comfort food top 10 list for me. 

1 -  2.5 lb grass fed chuck roast

1 -  28 oz can of diced fire roasted tomatoes

1 -  6 oz can of tomato paste

1 -  medium onion chopped

2 -  large carrots peeled and chopped

1 T - oregano

1/2 T - tarragon

1 t - garlic powder or one clove of fresh garlic minced

2 bay leaves

1 T balsamic vinegar (optional - will add a bit of tanginess)

1. Put roast in bottom of crock pot

2. In a separate bowl mix together all other ingredients.

3. Pour over roast 

4. Cook on low for 8-10 hours or high for 4-5

Note: I have a tendancy not to measure the spices. This is just a guide. Add as much or as little as you like. 

Changes...so many changes

Well, well. It has been too long since I last blogged. How did my February challenge go? Not so well. Not that I completely failed, but I did realize that it is much harder to do 100% strict paleo on one's own with no support system. Something to try again soon enough.

The biggest thing that has been happening in my world is: I started Crossfit. Yup. I began on-ramp classes at Crossfit Oakland on March 19th. It's been one week and here are my thoughts:

a) It's hard
b) It is freakin' empowering to lift heavy shit
c) I can't wait to be able to walk normally again
d) It makes me really, really happy, even though it's hard and I can't walk normally (see a and c)

I've also been working my booty off at work, which makes it hard to find time to blog, but blog I will. I'm looking forward to updating my blog, possibly moving to a different template, adding more recipes (I'm getting more adventurous in attempting my own recipes), and blogging about my new fitness journey.

Freakin' happy with life right now.

February Paleo Challenge

Today begins Day 1 of my February Paleo Challenge. This is really just a challenge to myself to get be back on target (not that I have strayed too far, but I feel like I need to reset).

I have to say that I didn't start out quite how I expected. I sort of woke up and realized that it was February 1st rather than having prepared at all of this I'm winging it today. Which meant I skipped breakfast. Bad. I also neglected to bring my lunch so I went out for thai food and ordered Tom Kha soup and Larb Gai - both are paleo.

My goals for tonight are to: get back to the gym and to plan out meals for the rest of the week.

We shall see how this month shapes up.

Getting back on the wagon

It's funny - I did very well at sticking to Paleo during the Christmas holidays. I spent 5 days at home in rural Washington state with my family, where finding some paleo friendly food items can be challenging, so I did what any good paleo girl does - I brought it with me. Yup, I packed my suitcase with coconut oil, coconut flour, and almond meal, and two of my favorite paleo cookbooks (check out Make it Paleo and Paleo Comfort Foods).

My goal: eat well and show my family that it still tastes good.

Upon arriving at my parent's house and looking in the fridge I realized that they really had no REAL food in the house. I'll talk more about this in another post, but at any rate, I needed to go shopping stat. I was able to find coconut butter, almond butter, and some other ingredients I wanted at their local grocery store that carries more of the natural and organic foods, but I was still very thankful that I packed my staples.

After shopping, I decided that I would start with making breakfasts for my family while I was there and by breakfasts I don't just mean eggs and bacon. We had that too, but I wanted to show them that you could have things like pancakes and not have to eat gluten.

I first made them coconut flour pancakes, which would have been great if my mother had a gas stove and a griddle. They tasted good, but I couldn't get them cooked quite right. FAIL

What's a girl to do, but try again. This time I borrowed my sister's electric griddle and made pumpkin pancakes. SUCCESS

Of course in making pancakes I had to have the conversation with my mother that sugar free syrup is not actually food. I bought real 100% pure maple syrup for those who felt they must have syrup and I used frozen blueberries and raspberries from my mom's garden for me - it was delightful.

At any rate, the more dishes I made the more they discovered that paleo is actually pretty darn good. I even made some paleo fudge from the Make it Paleo cookbook, but it was a little bit rich for my taste given that I rarely eat such treats.

All in all the holidays were a success, but post holidays are another story. All I will say is I went to Vegas for MLK weekend. So, beginning February 1st I will be doing another paleo challenge.